Crying in college
Hey,
Here I am, for the second time. I'm inclined to, I have an impulse to... open up this blog and just write. There's something inside me that just makes it feel whole and sane.
It's 1:43 AM and this is the first time I've cried in a while. I'm pretty sure it's the first time I've cried since college started.
These past two days I've been watching a lot of taylor swift and live performances on youtube. Some notable ones are Style, ME!, Artist of the Decade, to name a few. I've just been going down small spirals and rabbit holes that lead me to so many destinations. I've never been through a phase like this before, I'm not sure when this phase will die down a bit.
But anyway, I'm in my dorm right now and I just think about "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift. Once because my sister said it was her favorite song, and twice because Taylor said that it's her most emotional song in the vogue interview.
So here I was, opening it up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4_6eQm7RTQ
It's this notion that I'm having the best day with you today. So many times, I'm grateful for my mom for being there for me, for being so strong, for taking care of me. But I forget just how amazing of a friend she is. "I don't know who I'm going to talk to now at school." My mom is just my soul, shes my best friend, shes my best day. And I never realized it until listening to this song. I've listened to it a couple of times quite passively in the blue toyota at home, but man, I never realized this.
It's so innocent, it's so whole, it's so simple, yet I failed to realize somehow. It's not just what she's done for me, but what we have done for me. I don't know how quite else to describe it. It evokes such a heavy, deep, warm, wistful, even somber emotion.
When I watch this video and listen to this music, I also think so much about growing up. Through when Taylor's 3 yrs old, to 13 yrs old, it's her mom who's always there hanging out with her and being there for her. And this really just made me think about how my mom has seen me grow up, she's seen all of it, and she's been by my side through all of it. We've had so many best days together, we've had so many moments where I just love her so much, and now I'm growing up. Now I'm in college. This song truly transforms me. It unlocks something in me. I thought Mother by Porter Robinson did, I thought "This isn't the End" by Owl City did. But when I listen to "The Best Day" it puts me in this space where I really just breakdown. It just makes me truly realize I'm growing up, that everyone is growing up, and that I love my mom so much and I want to hang out with her every day that I can, I want to see her, I want just the best for her, I love her so much. I want to make her proud, I really want to make her proud, for of all those times where I'm trying to find something comforting, and for all those times where she just makes me smile and laugh.
This is so unreal, yet so real. Those lines about Taylor's little brother just makes me think of how my sister sees me and I just start crying again. I could say all of this for my sister too, I love her so much. Same thing for my dad, at the end of day. I didn't know I was capable of this, from a song. This really hasn't ever happened to me where I just feel so, so much like this. I really don't know what else to say. What a beautiful song with beautiful words. I'm in my college dorm room with one light on while my other two roommates are sleeping, and here I am, somehow.
So then that led me to draw back to this video: Mother (fanmade animated video) - Porter Robinson
The song doesn't quite hit me, but this comment, this memory did:
I was just scrolling through the comments and this is the first thing that pops up. It's crazy because I remember writing this comment a year ago. I saw this video and I think I did cry a bit, but I wasn't bawling like right now. Nonetheless, I knew that this would be a video that in the context of moving out and being a man, growing up, would strike me. But who would've thought it would be "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift, and to a degree even further than I envisioned. This song man.... I can't, it just makes me break down, it makes me lose it all. How could this even be possible. There's just so many emotions to unpack, so much to gather, I just can't even express it enough here It's impossible. I am just so so so vulnerable. My mom is just so great, she is everything to me. I want to be everything for her. DUde I just can't explain it, this song is incredible, its trancendental, just know that. Just know that what I'm describing is only a fraction of the truth. I've never had this happen to me before, this song is just so amazing, everything about it, it's jstu so amazing. Seriously everything about it. Seriously every word in this song is just so sentimental. I really can't do enough justice this osng is so so so so amazing. I love this song man I'm so done. I'm so crushed. I'm so defeated.
And there's still so much more to it. I still don't fully understand the progression from "I don't know why all the trees change in the fall" to "Now I know why all the trees change in the fall." Maybe I never will. I still haven't listened to Taylor's version yet. I will save that for another day, I'm already so beat up. I didn't even know this was on Fearless. So that's a no-brainer, I was stuck between Fearless, 1989, and Reputation as my favorite Taylor Swift album, now it's definitely Fearless.
It's time to conclude. Something about Taylor's voice too, her voice is so young, fragile, innocent in this song. It was the voice of someone who would be entering the music industry with so many people trying to put her down, detract from her, demean her, yet she is so strong and took all those moments and showed the world what they really meant. And to know that rooted in all of this, was really all of those Best Days.
Lyric(s) of the Post:
"
And I love you for giving me your eyesStaying back and watching me shine and
I didn't know if you knew
So I'm taking this chance to say
That I had the best day with you, today
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